1st Story

Criminal KE#5724

Accused: Miss Kangaroo Ke
Charge: According to Section 5724, Clause #57, Part X, any Homo sapien who possesses an eccentric temperament and involved in any forceful attempts to challenge then notions of law by inducing abhorrence, disgust and repugnance of any degree in any other Homo sapiens with constant repetition of plaguing and threat will be liable to 5 strokes of Kangaroo Cane, 7 hours of interrogation, 2 minutes of criminal stay at QianJin and 4 seconds of slapping from either Chen Suyu, Sherry Goh or Lai Jian Qin.
Evidence: Miss Kangaroo Ke on the 5th April 2007 (a.k.a 5724 for easy reference) displayed a vehement desire to join the groups of JOURNALISM LANGUAGE ARTS PROJECT through certain undesirable and inhumane methods which include: pursuing the respective group members around the school whether in the toilet, field, classroom, canteen or grandstand, constant and repeated calls to the respective group members yet again with her robotic and seemingly mechanic, automatic and lifeless voice.
Furthermore, she is known to have consistently badger the people from other classes such as 3Junkers.
Considering that Miss Kangaroo Ke suffers from the medical condition of pondering over self-existence and disregarding oneself, her punishments will be further made more severe due to her lack of responsibility and social awareness for self-control over her queer personality.
Addtional Punishments:
1. The extreme end of the sock will be force to be at the ankle instead of being levelled 15.0 cm above it.
2. For every time she sleeps in class, her face will be vandalised with scribbles depicting the insufferable acts of Kangaroos.
3. She will be tied to a chair while she watches a documentary regarding the physical torture and persecution of Kangaroos in an anguish atmosphere.

-------------------------- End of story, goodbye, the end. ---------------------------------
2nd Story

On a typical CCA Day ...

+Classroom (end of class)

Yaoqin: *lies on table*

Sheila: Time to go for CCA le, yaoqin!

Yaoqin: *lifts her head up lethargically*
*looks at clock*
*whiny voice*
What laa~ Now it is only 1.53pm can! I still have 7 more minutes to sleep!
*looks at Sheila*
Shoo Shoo!
*swings her hand*

+Classroom (2.05pm)

Yaoqin: *still sleeping*

Sheila: Wake up le la! Go CCA already! Later you late!

Yaoqin: *looks at clock*
What the hell laa~
Sheila! It's only you that need 25 minutes to prepare lor! I only need 10 minutes!
Anyway I have parents letter, I'm not going today laa~!

Sheila: *shocked*
*calls for reinforcement*

NCC Girls arrived in 5 seconds ....

NCC Girls: *pulls Yaoqin from all directions*

Sheila+Iris: *blocks door*
Go for CCA, dun pon la!

Yaoqin: *struggles*
What laa! My parents got write letter, I'm sick, I dun need to go!
I no strength le laa~!
*pushes all NCC Girls aside*
*starts escaping*
*runs all around the school*

NCC Girls: *gives chase*
*pulls Yaoqin constantly*

+ Bookshop

Yaoqin: Oi oi! Stop it laa!~
Stop abusing me okay?
I have parents letter, let me go laa~! What the hell can!
I have stomachache, I need to go and see the dentist! I have appointment!
You all can stop abusing me, you all dun take Biology meh~!
They say you all cannot abuse animals just for technological and social advancement, just like you all cannot force your members to commit themselves to NCC for advancement what!~

NCC Girls: *pulls yaoqin*

Yaoqin: Eeeyerrr!
I really no strength le laa!~
*pushes all NCC girls aside*

NCC Girls: *falls to the ground*

Bookshop Auntie: o.0

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EVERYBODY!
Like a normal average schoolkid who anticipates his/her holiday homework with an endless source of joy, I am going to share with you my Holiday Homework List =D

Holiday Homework List:
1) Hortatory Speech regarding the Exploitation of Kangaroos
2) Mathematics Assignment 6 - Constellations (I chose the Kangaroo Star)
3) Geography Article Review - Climate Best Suitable for Kangaroos
4) Physics Article Reviews - Quantum Theory Involving Kangaroos
5) Thesis on Survival of Kangaroos
6) Proposal to URA on the launching of Kangaroo Theme Park
7) Writing My Latest Novel - Outcast: Why Do My Classmates Suck?
8) Specialised Course in Caretaking of Kangaroos
9) Advertising My Latest Album - Kang-arooooooo!
10) Working at Kangaroo Tinklefriend from 9-5
11) Participating in the Kangaroo's Arena
12) Joining the Kangaroo Race Season 6
13) Voting for Friends who are in Survivor: Kangaroo's Island
14) Supporting My Mum in Kangaroo Idol: Auntie's Edition
15) Detailed Analysis of TV Serial - In Love with a Kangaroo
16) Choreographing a Kangaroo Hop Dance for Kangaroo Nursery
17) Doing My Daily Dose of Kangaroo Boxing
18) Writing the Script for the 15th Season of Kangaroo-ed
19) Watching My Peers in the Kangaroo Symphony
20) Making a Charm Potion so that My Popularity Will Skyrocket

I am very sure that my holiday will be constructive and eventful! Don't you all feel happy for me? This 1 week is going to be the peak of my studying career which will bring me an everlasting, deeply-etched, new, surprising, exciting, wonderful, fun, jumpy, delightful, novel, kangaroo experience!

Do you know why my vocabulary is so good? I will drop you a few hints. In actual fact, I memorised the whole Webster's Dictionary and Thesaurus, it's about 2000 pages thick. You might be curious over how I memorised it, I ate it up page by page over 7 years starting from the age of 3. The pages tasted so sweet that i became addicted to it. It was purely an accident when I first came into contact with the Webster's Dictionary and Thesaurus. I merely licked it when I was 3 and I got completely fantasized, stunned by it. It was so exhilarating.

*Burps*

Back to the topic, I am extremely saddened by the fact that I have completed everything on my homework list except for #7. I will continue my mission in observing these despicable, undeserving, inhumane, low-lying creatures until the end of next year before I finish my ultimate novel and achieve fame, fortune! For now, I should just tolerate them behind my scheming spectacles. Wahaha! This holiday will be so mundane and uneventful. What a total wastage of my precious Kangaroo time. Sigh.

Love,
Kangy

Caution: The author's brain has been planted with a microchip and thus suffering from severe mental imbalance.




*whispers into mike*
Oh my god, what the hell laa~
So many people here, including simbah hair sheila, iris and janice! Ee, so embarassing!
What the hell laa~

Good morning *laughs* ... afternoon and night classmates and friends, today I will be sharing with you on how I got 1st for the X-country race. Yeah 1st lah!
Please remember my name! I am *laughs* Miss (9), from Class 3C can?
So proud of myself. *laughs*
Don't look at me with that kind of face please, yes especially you Miss Chua and Mr Ek.
*laughs*

*commotion in school*

What the hell laa~ You all don't so unthoughtful can? I can run first de lor.
You know how I did it? *laughs* I rolled down the slope at the first part
of the race, pushed the runners overtaking me with my butt and broke the other runners into laughter when I said my usual tagline of

"WHAT THE HELL LAA~ "

These purely coincidental opportunities allowed me to overtake them so easily lah can.
What the hell laa~ *laughs*
This even caused a lot of people to fall down can and they hurt themselves so badly. *laughs*
Yeah some even fainted at the sight of me or the hearing of my laughters can?
What's so funny la? *laughs*
*poses acute angle of index and middle finger beside head*
Actually I am forced to share this secret strategy *laughs* with you all by Mr Ek Sue Band but it does not matter. You all also cannot perform this energy-consuming and arduous task de la.
What the hell laa~
I know all of you feel so lousy and like a loser, so please cheer up can?

So I will be telling you these ...

I have a dream that one day little gengars and little kangaroos will hold hand in hand in the prevailed justice and freedom as they walk down Pokemon land.
I have a dream that one day freedom will ring everywhere; in the big *laughs* eyes of Mrs Wound, in the big *laughs* saggy fats of Mrs Chew, in the guailan *laughs* hands of Miss Chua.
So that you all will no longer feel intensively despaired and appalled by the amazing strategy stated by me. What the hell laa~ *laughs*

*snaps finger*
*laughs*
Oh my god what the hell laa~
Why you all *laughs* keep laughing *laughs*
about this major issue!
This is to be taken seriously! *laughs*

*major school commotion*

Oh my god, what the hell laa~ ?
So sad that the education system these days only know how to inculcate *laughs*very unserious and disrespectful attitude in the people, oh my god la can! What the hell laa~
*laughs*

OI! Stop laughing *laughs* already la you overly-excited *laughs* spastic children! Stop it and respect me! What the hell laa~
Nevermind! I go off and end my speech here.
No thanks to your attention. BYE!
*drops mike*
*laughs*

Mr Ek:

Okay I believe this student suffers from immense laughing disorder.
But let's take this matter deeper into the neurons of our brain cells.
What does this reflect of?
Have you realised the effectiveness of the speech?
With a constant repetition of her usual tagline of WHAT THE HELL LAA~,
she has successfully achieved in stirring up strong emotions in the students.
Emulate her conscientious efforts in keeping you low-attention span students
wide awake and fostering a healthy set of cultural and knowledge exchange amongst us.
So please, let us give Miss (9) another round of applause!









Kangaroo very 1st Speech for this New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
*shows spastic smile*

Actually I do not see the purpose of celebrating New Year.
To put in simpler terms, New Year is just an anniversary of
of planet Earth having completed 1 round around the Sun.
It is pointless to celebrate that because
it is just a geographical and astronomical minor phenomenon.


Anyway I have enjoyed this New Year; I was kept busy
entertaining my relatives with Kangaroo Tricks, the seemingly
endless piles of homework and going Public places to show
my spastic smile. :)

Writing this post in red is an effort to remind those overly-excited
low-life children of this New Year.
Yes, I know I'm kind.
But yet again I have succumbed to the immense
temptation and pressure of praising myself.
I KNOW I'm NICE! YAY! :D

I really love my teachers and classmates!
Teachers like Layen, Suresh, Quanloong have shown sincere
efforts to expand my bank of knowledge by giving homework this
festive season.
On behalf of 3Shea, I shall thank you for being so
thoughtful and friendly to us in this New Year.
Instead of spending the (yet again) meaningless quality time with
our parents and friends and celebrating the location of planet Earth,
we have dedicated ourselves to
STUDIES!

This would aid me in fulfilling my aspirations of
completing 5724 sets of assignments
and in the process, achieve 5724 qualifications of
jobs like Caretaker of Kangaroos, Conservationists of Kangaroos etc.
Thank you teachers. :)

I AM ON CLOUD NINE BECAUSE I HAVE A LONG LIST OF HOMEWORK
WAITING FOR ME TO COMPLETE!
YAY! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

NEW YEAR IS MEANINGFUL WITH HOMEWORK.

But I was rather disappointed by the programmes shown by Channel Egg this year.
Haiz.

No more "Godzilla VS Ultraman". No more "Reminiscence of Kangaroos".
WHAT THE HELL LAA~ *whiny voice*
I was utterly disappointed by this whole affair!

I cried infront of my relatives when I saw the TV schedule.
9.00am - Kangaroo Ke Robs Headlines
10.00am - Passion for Fashion SPECIAL (2 episodes)
12.00nn - Documentary Special : Kangaroo Slaughter
6.00pm - Analysis Special : Irritating Kangaroos
12.00am - CLOSED

NOTICE that there is NO "Godzilla VS Ultraman".
NOTICE that there is NO "Reminiscence of Kangaroos".

Instead it's filled with junk shows like Passion for Fashion and Rob Headlines.
WHAT THE HELL LAA~ *whiny voice*
To make it worse, there is even a documentary on kangaroo slaughter!
To make it much much worse, there is a riduculous and ludicrous report
on irritating kangaroos.
HOW CAN KANGAROOS BE IRRITATING?

AM I IRRITATING?
Obviously I'm not.
WHAT THE HELL LAA~ *whiny voice*

So I wrote a complain consisting of 5724 words to KangarooCorp hoping in mind that
in the future, they should carefully allocate appropriate and meaningful programmes
on Channel Egg.

"Godzilla VS Ultraman" - "Reminiscence of Kangaroos"
It is an extremely meaningful show!
Not only does it closely associate to the topics like
Quantum Physics and Physics of Momentum
due to the movements of robots and kangaroos,
it also instills a strong sense of childishness!

This would ensure an overly stressed out student
like me who experiences a loss of direction due to
the extremely little amount of homework given
by the teachers,
be reminded of childhood and studies at the same time.

This serves as an indirect education tool in which would aid me in fulfilling my aspirations of
completing 5724 sets of assignments
and in the process, achieve 5724 qualifications of
jobs like Caretaker of Kangaroos, Conservationists of Kangaroos etc.

CAUTION: This author suffers from severe mental imbalance and alienistic disease.







To set you people thinking, here's the question for today.

ARE KANGAROOS IRRITATING?

Hypothesis: Kangaroo Ke never fails to give a reply filled with redundant and rhetorical rubbish.

Evidence:

1. Sypnosis- Sometimes when you ask KE a simple question and what you expect is a simple answer, you’re suddenly overwhelmed and piled under an overachieving PRC scholar standard answer. However, it does not make you feel stupid for her long winded, bombastic self. Instead, you get really annoyed with her redundant array of butterfly words.

Person: Where are you going to eat?

KE: A high-class restaurant which exceeds immaculate perfection in which the chef must posess estimable finesse who must be able to whip up a sublime concoction of a delectable platter. Not forgetting an empathetic and genial ambience with mellow chill out music to groove to, and I have to depart contented and gratified with their superb service!’ (i’m sorry, scrumptious is a word only simpletons use.)

Person: ... Okay.

2. Sypnosis- Nothing beats this most ultimate redundant and irritating question in terms of idioticy.

*Over the phone*

Person: How are you, KE?

KE: *no sound* ... ME?

:) Who else is on the line genius? Frequency Waves?
Committing that mistake over the phone is even a dumber mistake.

*Real Life Discussion in Classroom*

Person: *LOOKS at KE*
So what opinion do you have regarding the freedom of kangaroos?

KE: *stares at blank space*
*lags time*
Huh, ME? *points at herself in a very shocking manner*

:)Noooooo... that stranger over there.

Well, it happens to her over the msn as well ...
Perhaps KE suffers from a medical condition of pondering over self-existence and disregarding oneself.
Or perhaps the depleting ozone layer and excessive Ultraviolet Rays over at Australia is frying her brain cells. :)




*Ahem* (KANGAROO KE'S SPEECH)
Class, here is the suggestion I have came up with after thinking for 5 hours, 7 minutes and 24 seconds. In order to solve the problem in regards to the unity of the class 3Shea, I feel that we should suit our character, attitude and looks accordingly to the Chinarians. :)
First of all, all of you shall pull up your socks literally and figuratively.
We must strive in our studies to be coherent with their unquestionably impeccable pace of learning to bring about the unity of the class.
We must also pull up our socks until it is roughly 15cm above our ankle. Please be reminded that at all times, we shall carry a dull and expressionless face too. This is an effort to standardise our attire and appearance to ensure the closeness of the class. Also, I have added a new rule to the set of class rules we are currently under.

UNDER Section No. 5724, clause #10, part c, any teacher or student who fail to reach the exact criteria of the 15cm length of sock above the ankle would be liable to 5724 minutes of mimicking, talking and behaving like a Chinarian.

This is the devastating consequence if you do not abide by this class rule.
Anyway, you people must be more open-minded!
Take a close look at me. What do you see? You must have seen my capability in adapting to this new environment! In just a few seconds, I have made a new best friend named DownZe! You know why we match off so well? It is because we are open-minded to each other's differences and shortcomings! I may be too pretty and friendly, but DownZe has embraced this new challenge to accept me! Yes, I know that DownZe is too boring-looking and nerdy, but I accepted her as well! So please take me as a perfect example. :)
If Kangaroo can do it, why can't you?
Class, I will try to plan frequent class-bonding activities whether it is covalent, ionic or dative. We must bond as a class! I will try to get tickets to China for all of you to visit their parents so as to understand the cultural difference amongst us and learn how to accept it accordingly. I know all of you can't wait to get to China to have a close look at their living environment. I know my plans are perfect. But please do not get too excited!! :D
I AM SO EXCITED AS WELL! I CANNOT WAIT TO GET TO CHINA! Haha.
没关系没关系! Keep quiet please!

OI! KEEP QUIET PLEASE!
Let me continue my speech, you overly-excited low-life children! I believe that Miss Vijayaletchumiyadizumiyalibolliwodiyalayimimi would accept this perfect proposal creatively designed by me, Kangaroo Ke. Yes, I know I'm too good to be true!
Instead of relying on unreliable sources like Christofu, Shitla and Ningxin (a.k.a CSN), I have learnt to be an independent learner and thinker to come up with this undefeatable plan that upholds justice in the class of 3Shea. Yes, I know you think that I'm very smart.
But I will TRY to be humble here because apparently, I enjoy the higher stature and superior of being an insufferable dunno-all-act-know-all who proves incapable of self-resisting to praise myself.
Do you know what this process of bonding is called?
No, it is not covalent bonding, Downze.
No, it is not ionic bonding either, Clothes.
No, it is not dative bonding either, Kitty.

Ans: This is the process of diffusion.
It is the net movement of Singaporeans from a region of higher concentration shifting to a lower concentration of Chinarians. Yes, I know that diffusion is passive transport since it does not require the expenditure of ATP (Adenosine Triphosphate) from organisms or energy from particles to transport substances down a concentration gradient, but don't you think we have been putting effort and energy to bond the class? Yes, some of us are.
With the exception of hopeless cases, I believe all of us have put in effort to share a common identity with the Chinarians in terms of appearance, character and attitude. So this furthermore proves my point that my proposal is PERFECT. :)
Thank you for your unconditional attention, thank you.

*SHOWS SPASTIC SMILE* :DD




*show commences*
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Susila Gan: Welcome back to Passion for FASHION! I am Susila Gan, your dearest fashion reporter. Today I will bring you what's the latest trend for Chinese New Year and what's the most outdated style. Following that, we have 10 role models who SCREWED THEMSELVES UP during this festive season!


Susila Gan: The latest trend for Chinese New Year this year is the Zebra Style! Obviously, the theme for this year's CNY is Black and White Stripes! Accompanying that, we have all the talk about black and white bangles and the Explosion-hairstyle with highlights of white. Aren't you all excited?! Now, we shall invite Auntie Qing Cai to talk about the Explosion-hairstyle!


Auntie Qing Cai: This time, we cannot usehh the Adurah's High Quality Gel arr, it is not adheshive enoughh. I used the new secret formula adapted from the production of UHU Superglue. It ishh called the Woohoo's High Quality SuperGel. It is very very sticky hor. To start, we usehh the Woohoo's High Quality SuperGel and try to pull bundhles of hair straight.

*starts applying thick heavy Gel on model's hair*


Auntie Qing Cai: Sidetrack hor, this gel cost $89.90, but thishh show arr got promotion, if you call in to buy right, you get it at the priceshh of $39.90. Cheap Right! After pulling the bundhles of hair straight. We use our common stationary, LIQUID PAPER, to highlight our hair. Look for the most centre bundle and just SQUEEZESH all the liquid paper over it ah. Then we are done. Isn't the Explosion-hairstyle eashhy? And it blends in with this year's theme of Zebra Style! Now, back to Miss Susila hor.


Susila Gan: Thank you very much, Auntie Qing Cai. We will have Miss Berry Inn to talk about what accessories and clothing everyone should have for this CNY. Miss Berry Inn, please.


Berry Inn: For this year, we have the Zebra Style. For our clothing, in order to prevent repetitive designs of just black and white stripes, we can have different black and white patterns. For example, we have the black and white columns, alternatively there are black and white circles, if not, spirals. Also, we have black flowers with white petals, and white flowers with black petals. The most outstanding one being the black and white swirls pattern. Now why the Zebra Style was chosen this year is due to the illusional effect that it offers. It is sure to dazzle everyone. Furthermore, these black and white patterns are very abstract and it provides an alternative to your boring RED.


Berry Inn: Let's move on to accessories. Now the combination of black and white bangles is very common. I suggest that we use authentic zebra products which include, zebra rings, zebra bands and et cetera. These accessories help enhance the illusional effect that your black and white clothing provides and thus they are very important. Our aim this year is to bring out the beauty in "classic" colours, although black and white are not deemed as colours. For shoes, we can have your plain old black or white high heels. Remember that your shoe design should be not too flashy as our main focus here is your clothing and accessories. The reason for choosing high heels is that it provides height, and women who look taller emit a greater air of elegance. We shall move on to the next section of the show, Susila please.


Susila Gan: I shall now talk about the most outdated style for this CNY. For this 2007, red is deemed a boring colour for CNY. We wouldn't want to look like red packets walking around, do we? Furthermore red looks damn ancient. Now let's imagine if a Kangaroo were to wear red, it would look it just came from a murder crime scene, now with the black and white theme explained above, the kangaroo will be sure to attract everyone's attention with the illusional patterns of the zebra style clothing. Reports sent in narrated that the public was utterly disgraced by Miss Zhang, a teacher from some school who wore some red clothing and she looked like she walked out of the Museum of China Artefacts. One word to describe this. Gross. So, this CNY, NEVER, I emphasise, NEVER EVER WEAR RED.


Susila Gan: For the next section of the show, we will list you 10 famous people in our famous society who has met with a fashion disaster, and why you should never follow their fashion sense, based on polls conducted.

1.) Miss Egg - for having a horrid level hairstyle and being too round, making her look like some ancient egg walking around. One word I'll give, Doomed. Don't roll down the hill, dear.

2.) Miss Kangaroo - for having such a WONDERFUL hairstyle which depicts the tail of a kangaroo and having such modern shades which scare the creeps out of normal human beings. Highly recommended for acting as a freak in some freakshow.

3.) Mrs Wound - although the Zebra Style is in this year, I am afraid her Zebra style looks like she just got released from prison. Goodness gracious, pretend I never said that.

4.) Miss Sueyou - for having such straight hair which makes everyone "envious" of her and excessive use of One Day Acuvue Define, makes it seems that her eyes are gonna drop out. Just plain old ugly.

5.) Miss Zhang - as elaborated above for looking like some possessed China doll, seemingly originating from some Museum of Ancient China Artefacts. Exorcism, anyone?

6.) Mrs Meow - for having a visor which seems like a Sahara Desert Hat, and owning some weirdo design sunglasses. This made her look like some terrorist, which urged the public to report her. I believed that majority of the public got fined.

7.) Mr Cube - for having too flashy and colourful buttons, our theme is black and white this year, remember? We believe that he has too much money to invest on buttons.

8.) Mr Prize - for having long pants that are too short which would never cover his socks. Utter shame, we believe he needs some FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.

9.) Mr Demonic Dragon - for having such ugly hairstyle which makes him look like 40+ when he's only 30+, please get a hair cut. Eligible for Financial Assistance plan as well.

10.) Mr Lai - for regarding unbuttoned clothes as displaying the greatest fashion sense which is totally untrue unless our theme of the year is "Striking Nude". Apparently, it's not.

My, my, avoiding these 10 people's fashion sense, I am sure your fashion will never go wrong and you will dazzle this CNY. An early CNY to all viewers! Oops, time's up. Remember to catch me, Susila Gan on Episode 3 of PASSION for FASHION! And remember to call our hotline, 6PASSION/67277466 if you want to order the Woohoo's High Quality SuperGel
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We would like to clarify that all content are PURELY fictional and not to be taken seriously into account.
Thank you very much for supporting us :)
A Production of Channel ThreeShea.